15th Dinner – “Love” according to M. Scott Peck

The Invited Philosopher

Carol

This is the fourth virtual dinner. Carol had dinner in Knoxville. As usual, I had dinner in Miami.

Menu

1. Paty’s dinner: Linguine pasta alle vongole with a mix of seafood.
2. Paty’s wine: Tomaiolo Pinot Grigio, 2020.
3. Carol’s sushi dinner: Veggie roll and California roll.
4. Carol’s drink: Blue Moon beer

The Philosophy

As this is St. Valentine’s week, we chose the topic of “Love” as defined by M. Scott Peck. In 1978, the Harvard Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck published his first and most famous book “The Road Less Travelled” in which he describes the attributes that make for a fulfilled human being. He borrowed the title from a poem by American poet Robert Frost “The Road Not Taken”. The book’s main philosophy is to encourage embracing the skill of discipline in 4 situations: to delay gratification, to accept responsibility for one’s actions, to dedicate oneself to truth, and to balance or reconcile multiple, complex, possibly conflicting factors that impact an important decision. When the decision taken is motivated by the desire to benefit others, the skill is then called “Love”.

The Summary

Peck starts his chapter on the topic of Love by describing that which is not love. He states that “Falling in love” is not love. He describes the instinctive need of humans since birth to join with another human. Even as a human develops a separate identity or “ego” that is defended with passion, something inside yearns for the union with others or with another. During the falling in love period, which never lasts long, we have a “merging with the loved one” experience as our ego boundaries expand, which leads to temporary bliss. Real love is similar in that our ego boundaries expand, but unlike the automatic falling in love process, real love does not suddenly end. Real love is sustained from a disciplined effort to escape one’s ego into new, unchartered territories, into the road less travelled, and for the benefit of others.

Robert Frost poem ends with:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I—I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

A good summary of M. Scott Peck’s book is that by encouraging humans to expand their ego-boundaries, he encourages them to travel the road less travelled, less travelled because most people cling to their comfort zone and identity. Real love is defined as leaving that comfort zone (road) behind and experiencing becoming a better, less selfish and more giving human being.

Analysis

The Analogy of the Gardener

Peck describes the example of a man with a gardening hobby. He loves his garden so much that he has learned everything about the flowers and plants in it, about soils and fertilizers, rooting and pruning. He gets up early in the morning to tend to it with passion. The garden has become an extension of who he is, it has expanded his ego boundaries, his identity, as he is now also a gardener. This is love. In the same way, when we love another person, we learn all about her or him, we seek to understand what makes them bloom and what makes them wilt, and we put effort into bringing out the best in that person and into preventing them from falling into despair, pain or misery. It is a beautiful analogy and it is clear why it requires discipline. Falling in love is automatic, no effort is required, but accepting another person the way they are and helping them surmount challenges and obstacles and lead them to happiness requires effort and a lot of patience.

Flowers and shrubs are indeed more simple than humans, and it is easy to find a manual on how to grow them, but humans do not come with a manual. We discussed an example in which someone’s partner is in a lot of emotional pain and stress, facing family conflicts and painful realities such as a family member with cancer. Carol said that sometimes we cannot do much to help, other than listen. We might know what is best for our partner, but they may not be ready for it.  It is the typical question of when we should listen and when we should offer advice and our help. Carol said: The best thing is to ask. And yes, love is doing what the other person needs more. I mentioned that prayers or meditations in which we send positive energy or vibes sometimes help more than trying to intervene and help in an active way.

What If We Knew This When We Were 20?

Carol asked this excellent question and commented that her love life would have been completely different. I agreed, mine as well. And then she stated: But what a boring love life that would have been! If we knew that our purpose in life is to expand our egos by tending to another person as if they were our garden, we would probably have been more careful when choosing that person. Using the analogy of the garden, it is much easier to tend to a garden that already has heathy grass in it and nicely landscaped flowers and bushes than tending to a garden full of weeds, with wilting flowers and rotten trees. When it comes to humans, the garden is in the inside, and when we were young, we did not take the time to inspect other people’s gardens. We acted on impulse, we looked for passion, we hoped for the best. Our own garden had weeds too. Our ego was not established and therefore there were no boundaries to stretch. How would we have been able to love with discipline when we had no discipline? We were not ready for Peck’s definition of love, but Carol knows a young person who is ready.

The Young Rabbi

Carol’s step son, decided very early on, when he was just a teenager, that he wanted to become a rabbi. He is now 21 years old and has moved to Israel and lives in a Yeshiva studying Judaism. Falling in love, or the search for passionate love or sex, are not only not among his priorities in life, but not even among his objectives in life. He has already made a choice many of us have not made, to travel the road less travelled, towards a life of discipline. He is looking for a wife, someone he can and will of course love, but in his search, he looks for someone who has his values, who will embrace being the wife of a rabbi and will be disciplined in raising their kids within the edicts of their religion. I wonder what his definition of love is, and if it is important for him, or if, like many spiritual teachers, love is a concept that is applied to all people, not only to one other person. Would he ever consider giving his wife one of the lovey dovey St Valentine’s Day Hallmark cards? According to what I am told, no.  He and his wife will only celebrate Jewish holidays. Also, an orthodox Jew celebrating St. Valentine’s Day would be considered heresy. But perhaps he will, one day. We do not know what happens in the road less travelled.

Real Love is the Road Less Travelled

If real love is the expansion of our ego-boundaries and our instinctual desire is to escape from the ego or escape from oneself as in the ecstasy of love making, then why does it require “discipline”? Why is real love found so seldomly, why is it the “Road Less Travelled”?

Because another instinct is stronger, especially when left unchecked: The ego. The ego gives us an identity that separates us from others. Our ego is constantly judging other people, and unconsciously rejoicing in finding that which distinguishes us from them. The ego relishes in being “unique”, it is proud of being “special”, and thus different to others. As a child grows up and becomes an adult, the ego develops, looking for that feeling of uniqueness. As a young adult grows into a mature person, the ego, its identity, becomes established. As a person grows older, the ego often becomes rigid, a jail of one’s character, especially in those who do not love. In order to love, we have to leave the jail of our ego. But the ego has us trapped. Ego boundaries are the walls of the jail. We have to tear down those walls, for love. Most people, out of ignorance, remain in that jail, indulging in their selfish desires or comfort zone, and never travel out of that jail. They cannot love. When we travel the road less travelled, we transcend the ego and unite with others, and for that we need discipline. With discipline we exercise true love, and through it, we grow as persons, we become happier and more fulfilled.

“True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.  It is a committed, thoughtful decision.”

― M. Scott Peck